72 replies to this topic

[schneep]

Hurricane, on 21 October 2011 - 07:04 PM, said:

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blond joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

... Our bartender IS blond, the bouncer is blond. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blond. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Edited by schneep, 30 November 2011 - 05:34 PM.

[Oldquacker]

A hooded robber burst into a Wisconsin bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Wisconsin customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face.

The robber shot the customer without a moments hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly to afraid to speak

Then, one old Norwegian named Ole from Wisconsin tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."  

[Hurricane]

WISCONSIN?????????????????????????????????  LMAO


Funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Jake]

bear with me, it's a big joke....



"Congress"


barump bump.

[Hurricane]

For All the young pups out there. some knowlege based on MANY, MANY YEARS of painful experience.


NINE WORDS WOMEN USE


(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, UNLESS she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome', that will bring on a 'whatever')

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying GO TO HELL

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

I hope these little hints will will aid you in the New Year.  


Edit: I almost forgot.....The two most scary phrases mine can use are:

1. "I've been thinking........" (something for ME to do that SHE can take credit for.      and,

2. "You know what we should do?" MORE work for me, ususally involving a wheelbarrow and several tons of dirt.

There ya got it.... the sum total of everything I have learned from forty years of marriage. Head or weep!!

Edited by Hurricane, 27 December 2011 - 05:50 PM.

[balla32]

Hurricane, on 27 December 2011 - 02:42 PM, said:

For All the young pups out there. some knowlege based on MANY, MANY YEARS of painful experience.


NINE WORDS WOMEN USE


(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, UNLESS she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome', that will bring on a 'whatever')

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying GO TO HELL

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

I hope these little hints will will aid you in the New Year.  


Edit: I almost forgot.....The two most scary phrases mine can use are:

1. "I've been thinking........" (something for ME to do that SHE can take credit for.      and,

2. "You know what we should do?" MORE work for me, ususally involving a wheelbarrow and several tons of dirt.

There ya got it.... the sum total of everything I have learned from forty years of marriage. Head or weep!!

10) It's advisable that you don't read this out loud to your wife......Just a precaution

[Hurricane]

Oh, I'm truely sorry, I was under the assumption that was a given. LOL

[Oldquacker]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."  

[Oldquacker]

A well endowed.....but very drunk.... woman, stark naked,
jumped into a taxi in New York City. The taxi driver, who
happened to be an old Jewish man, opened his eyes wide
and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the
cab.

She said to him, "What's wrong with you honey?
Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old man said "Lady, I'm not staring at you, I am telling you,
det vould not be proper vair I come from".

She said, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs sweetie,
what are you looking at then?"

He said, "Vell, I am looking and I'm looking, and I am tinking
to myself, vair in da heck is dis lady keeping de money to
pay for dis ride?"

[cal45]

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part where the first pig was trying to gather materials to build his house.

She read "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter- of- factly

"I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch! A talking pig!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

[BlackBoarDown]

Rest in peace my friend :

[reticle4]

My good friend Tom is a wonderful guy.  He's also known to be "one card shy of a full deck".  One day Tom is out hunting for the very first time.  Not long into the hunt Tom comes across some really strange looking tracks.  -- All of a sudden a train comes by and runs him over!

[RICKD]

This guy goes to the Doctor and the Doctor tells him: I have some bad news and some really bad news for you.

The guy says: Geeez Doc, whats the bad news?

The Doc says: You only have 24 hours to live!

The guy says: Holy cow 24 hours? Whats the really bad news?

The Doc says: I forgot to call you yesterday!