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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida from here?


A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'


A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'


There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'


A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said 'Your finger is broken.'


A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'


A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'


A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO...,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs!
 

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shooting humor

Ten reasons to favor a bow over a women/man

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

# 9. You can keep one bow at home and have another for when you're on the road.

# 8. If you admire a friend's bow and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

# 7. Your primary bow doesn't mind if you keep another bow for a backup.

# 6. Your bow will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

# 5. A bow doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

# 4. Bows function normally every day of the month.

# 3. A Bow doesn't ask , 'Do these new strings make me look fat?'

# 2. A bow doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the # 1 reason a bow is favored over a woman/man

# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A BOW:):):)

Replace the word bow with gun and that works as well.
 

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Gotta love those environmentalists

This is a riot. You have to read the whole thing!



This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan

Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.

This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get

to the response letter.



SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property.
You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.
A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.

All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management Division



**This is the actual response sent back: **

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N ; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price:

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.

Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is ... aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation?
The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect.

In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter .... they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.

If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003?

The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!

Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.


Thank You, Landowner
 

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Ain't that just like the dam state environment office? Thought I was the only one that had those dam problems here on the river. Go figure?:)
 

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Bootstrapped

Women have come a long way.


>THE COWBOY
>
>A woman went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped
>up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
>
>The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with
>big feet are well endowed.
>
>The cowboy grinned and said, 'Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come
>on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'
>
>The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with
>him.
>
>The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
>
>Blushing, he said, 'Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't
>nobody ever paid me fer mah services before. She said, 'Don't be flattered.
Take the money and buy yourself some boots that
>fit.;)
 

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The Old poodle

The Old Poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa,

taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.


One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long,

Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a

leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of
Having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shxx now!" Noticing

some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to

chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the

leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that

was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"



Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a

look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly

had me!"


Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a

nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade

it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old

poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and

figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with

the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with

The leopard.


The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,

"Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that

conniving canine!"


Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his

back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of

running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers,

pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close

enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that dang monkey? I

sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"


Moral of this story..


Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome

youth and skill!


Bullshxx and brilliance only come with age and experience!
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a porch, it's a Lexus."
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Here is an oldie but goodie ... I hope you enjoy it

The Pastor's Ass


The pastor entered his donkey in a race and


It won.


The pastor was so pleased with the donkey


That he entered it in the Race


Again, and it won again.


The local paper read:


PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of


Publicity that he ordered the pastor


Not to enter the donkey in another race.


The next day, the local paper headline


Read:


BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.


This was too much for the bishop, so he


Ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.


The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a


Nearby convent.


The local paper, hearing of the news, posted


The following headline the next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.


The bishop fainted.


He informed the nun that she would have to


Get rid of the donkey, she sold it to a farmer for $10.


The next day the paper read:


NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.


This was too much for the bishop, so he


Ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and


Lead it to the plains where it could run wild.


The next day the headlines read:


NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.





The bishop was buried the next day.




The moral of the story is . .. . ;

Being concerned about public opinion can bring


You much grief and misery . . Even shorten your life.


So be yourself and enjoy life.


Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and


You'll be a lot happier and live longer!

 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
When I say I am broke ... I mean it ... I am broke

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'

The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.'
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
MONDAY ;
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.


TUESDAY;
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper


WEDNESDAY;
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.


THURSDAY;
Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..


FRIDAY;
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.


SATURDAY;
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.


SUNDAY;
Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.



GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.;
This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
a ' peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming,

'I've won a motor home!
I've won a motor home!'

The waitress says, 'That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch?'
But the blonde keeps on screaming,

'I've won a motor home!
I've won a motor home!'

Finally, the manager comes over and says,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motor home
because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motor home!'
And she hands the ticket to the
manager and HE reads...
























'W I N A B A G E L'
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries
to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun.
'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; You ask
me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.'
This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees
to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the
distance from the earth to the moon?' The blonde doesn't say a word,
reaches in to her purse,pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop,
searches all references. He uses the Air-phone; he searches the Net and
even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mail's to all the smart
friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde
and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and
asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
 

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Thanks for the laughs. :eek:
 
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