I went over there 3 or 4 months ago and all the old threads were still on there, with me banned . Then, a couple days ago, I went back to see what they were talking about. Not much at all, plus all the really old threads are gone now. At this stage of the game........makes no difference.
Little background information to start. I did my Italian cousin a favor sharpening mower blades for him in the spring. When he picked them up he dropped off 4 extra "pepper" plants he had left over from his garden. So I just walk 10 feet and casually stick them in a 30' long 18" wide planter I have alongside my driveway/parking area; not expecting them to amount to much. They survive well enough and grow, but no peppers showing. Suddenly about a month ago peppers start popping out like crazy. Must be 500 peppers on the things. Turns out they're little buggers that start turning orange. I'm a little disappointed because I like peppers. I figure they're something like cherry tomatoes, just miniature peppers. I cut a bunch of them and give them to my Sheila who in turn gives them to her coworker Justine who's from one of the Caribbean islands. Turns out they're "hot" peppers and she loves them. Craves them actually. Apparently of superior quality too. Makes sense since the Italians in the family like "hot" stuff. Me? I like some kick, but never been a fan of the fire engine, eye watering stuff. Guess it's the Irish/German in me. My Sheila gives some to Rod, her oldest son who is something of a cook and he tells me they're "medium" hot and he too loves them. So now every week I harvest a bunch and send them off with Sheila. Every Monday my Sheila passes on the many thanks of those receiving my magic hot peppers.
So yesterday I cooked up some turkey chop meat that we took out over the weekend but didn't cook; added potatoes, peas, mushrooms and seasoning. Tasted great, had two helpings. Figured to add a tiny bit more kick to the considerable leftovers by chopping up one of my renown "medium hot" peppers Justine and Rod have been raving about. So being as clever as I am, before I mixed it in with the food, I test to see how much I should add by eating a tiny piece about the size of the head of a pin.
My mouth caught on fire and my friggen lips were numb!!! I could not comprehend how anything, that small, short of a piece of enriched uranium, could explode so violently with such heat and do it so quickly. It was like an out of body experience; or I was in a parallel universe. My lips were still burning 30 minutes later!!! I licked my mustache 6 hours later and my tongue went numb. Thank God I didn't bite into one of the things or I'd be in ICU if I didn't perish on the spot. Fohgetdabout mixing the volcanic plant into my food.
Oh, and apparently I touch my privates when I take a leak. (Go figure?...lol) I'm in the kitchen rinsing out my mouth trying to put out the fire and start thinking to myself that this crap is so F#$k#@* hot that my n^@t$ are tingling. Then I remembered I went to the bathroom a minute ago. Within minutes I was almost crying in intolerable pain. After scanning the kitchen for some kind of liquid relief, I ran back into the bathroom, tore through the cabinets and slapped literally a handful of cream on my privates. That made it WORSE! Evidently hand cream is some kind of catalyst to unlock all the residual heat left in the jalapeno oil's. So now I'm applying ice cold compresses to my privates (warm face cloths increased the pain) while the other hand is activating my battery powered automatic hand soap dispenser. With my pants around my ankles, I'm washing my privates with hand soap while staring upwards, at nothing particular, bargaining with, no imploring the Lord to please make the pain stop. I had to change my underwear since every time I pulled them up the whole sad, painful, but comical scenario began all over. Evidently some amount of the nuclear oils rubbed off in my briefs.
When I could manage making it to my couch, legs crossed in fear, I informed my Sheila over the phone of the incident. In between the guffaws and laughter I'm told I committed a cardinal sin by handling the seeds when I cut the seeds out of the pepper from hell. Like the nucleus of an atom, the densest material is in the middle of the pepper. I should have washed my hands with lemon juice, being sure to get under my nails, or for days I'd risk burning anything my fingers may touch. Never handle the seeds without medical grade covid latex gloves. Silly me. Plus, if I was smart (there's a joke) I should hold the pepper with a small fork while cutting it up. Get this, "then be careful with the fork because it is now contaminated and also capable of producing memorable "issues." (i.e: read potentially lethal.) I woke up this morning and rubbed my eyes, and my eyebrows started tingling. Evidently I should have believed the "under the fingernails" warning.
I seriously thought of feeding those 4 pepper plants into my Craftsman branch chipper in an act of revenge. That, and to eliminate my liability so they don't kill or maim anybody stupid enough to steal and eat them. Only thing holding me back is the fear of the satanic pepper plants possibly atomizing in the shredder and killing off half the village! A garbage can sized helping of bear Mace/pepper spray.
They are kind of cute don't you think? Nice Halloween orange and sorta candy looking. Might be kind of funny, in a macabre sort of way, to give out to unsuspecting Trick or Treaters. Nah, don't want that on my conscience. Not funny enough to go to jail over.
Sorry for your ordeal, Duke, but it was so well-written (as usual) and funny, I had to hit the like button. A former colleague once told me about a similar incident with her then soon to be ex spouse. He was cutting a lot of hot peppers, and apparently had itchy balls. For some reason, she found the ensuing agony hysterical.
Drafting Guys Over 70.
I am over 80 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year- olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 55.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50... in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
Send this to all of your senior friends... it's in big type so they can read it.